Monday, November 7, 2011

Two More

I close my eyes for just a second... and two months whiz by with lightning speed.  Another two months have passed, and nothing has changed.  Nothing, that is, except my frustration level is a bit higher than it was two months ago at my last post.  While shopping the other night, my sweet husband bought me a gorgeous pair of boots.  I had wanted some for a while.  I love the look of skinny girls with their jeans tucked into their knee-high boots.  I hadn't committed to buying any for myself, though, because I'm so short and dumpy, I know that I'll probably just look like a Weeble.  At any rate, my sweetheart had me trying on boots at Belk, and we found a pair that we both loved, (and they were 40% off!!!), so I brought them home.  I fully intended to wear them to church on Sunday, but only have one dress that I could get away with wearing brown.  Most everything I own is black.  I was doubtful that the dress would fit, since my mom bought it for me 30 lbs ago, at my lowest weight after the lap-band surgery.  Oh. My. Goodness.  I donned the obligatory suck-me-up panties, the pantyhose, the half slip, and slid the dress over my head.  I got my arms through, and it sort of got stuck on my chest.  I wiggled and squirmed, trying to pull it on down.  The dress has a jacket, so I was hoping that the jacket would be able to cover a multitude of lumps and bumps.  However, I only got the hem of the dress below my butt cheeks... and I got stuck.  Couldn't go down, couldn't go up.  I was mortified.  My husband was out of town for the day.  My stepson and his children were visiting, but I was too ashamed to ask for help.  So I put the wiggle in reverse, and somehow got the dress back over my head.  And felt pretty discouraged.  Not only was I irritated at myself, I didn't get to wear my new boots.  ....sigh....  

I keep hoping against hope that something will happen to wake me up.  I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon with a gastroenterologist to schedule a colonoscopy.  My grandmother had colon cancer, and I have some issues that need to be checked.  I need a wake up call, but I'm sure praying this isn't going to be it....  

If I had the time and the money, I think I would benefit more from a psychologist or a shrink than a dietitian or a gym membership.  It is all in my head.  Always has been.  On the way home from the mall, we stopped at the Krispy Kreme to get donuts for the grandchildren.  My husband asked me if I remembered the time that I was on a healthy eating kick and I rode for 30 minutes with a box of hot KK donuts on my lap and never touched a one.  He said "I don't know how you did it!"  I did it because I was mentally prepared, and had my mind made up that eating healthy was more important than indulging in my in-the-moment desire to eat hot donuts.  Where does that go?  How do I lose it?  

I don't blog here often because I have nothing positive to say.  I find myself gravitating to the blogs of people who are successful, rather than ones who whine all the time and never seem to get their act together and actually work the program.  So rather than be one of those whiners, I just don't blog at all.  Sad.  And more often than not, I don't even take the time to read the blogs that do inspire me.  Fail. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Fail!!

So here it is two months since my last post, and I am pissed.  I am still waiting for that magic pill, CD, book, (someone else's) blog post, The Doctors tv show... that magic SOMETHING that will melt away the fat.  I tried the Magic Lap Band.  Piece of crap that came close to causing permanent damage and could have killed me (and was removed 9 weeks later).  I have on my desk a bottle of phentermine.  Two exercise CDs.  A rubber stretchy thing.  Collecting dust. 

So lately I've been a little pissed at my wonderful husband, who was to be on this P365 journey with me to embark on a healthy lifestyle.  We psyched each other up about it for days before we started.  And we were SO psyched.  But, as with every other "magic" formula I've attempted, it didn't work overnight, and we got discouraged.  Our old habits called out to us and screamed louder than our diabetes, high blood pressure and sore joints.  And so we are back to atrocious eating habits.  Another failed attempt.

There are so many great quotes about failure:

"Try and fail, but don't fail to try."
"The only real failure in life is the failure to try."
"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

Yes to all of the above.  If trying and failing is so tantamount to success, why haven't I reached my "success" yet???

Before I got married, I thought "Once we are married, it will be so much easier to plan our meals, and get in some exercise."

Wrong.

I think we just "feed" each other's (food) addiction.  Pun intended.  My husband does the majority of the cooking (by his own choice!!).  So, after he works hard all day, comes home and cooks, I certainly don't want to hurt his feelings, or offend him in any way by not eating.  So it's his fault, right?

When I'm sitting at my desk working, and he brings me treats and snacks, I want to be gracious, don't I?  I mean, if he brings it to me, the least I can do is thank him and eat it, right?

I could go on.  But the truth is, it's not my husband's fault.  The only "magic formula" for me is the word "no".  I can even be gracious and say "no, thank you".  I don't have to pile my plate high with the delicious dinner he cooks, and then earn a gold star by eating it all.

I know this is true, because I'm trying it out a little at the time. Last night he baked walnut-brownies and had one a-la-mode.  He came to my office and asked if I wanted chocolate or vanilla.  I ever so graciously declined.  At least he didn't just show up with it already in a serving dish.  I told him I would enjoy one bite of his, which I did. 

I thought that it would be necessary for us to travel this journey together. I wanted us to travel it together.  But I realized last night that I can only walk my own path.  I cannot walk it for him.  But by the same token, I can't blame him for my failures.  I hope and I pray that he will once again become motivated to make better choices.  I hope and pray that I will make more better choices than I make bad ones.  And I hope I will remember, that the only magic formula is saying no.  Eating less and moving more. 

I don't want this quote about failure to be the one that defines me:

"Life's real failure is when you do not realize how close you were to success when you gave up."

Saturday, July 9, 2011

3 and 4 in the bag!

So much for my good intentions of posting every day!  It has been a busy few days, to say the least.  Another perfect, on-program day for day number 3.  Day number 4 was a bit challenging, but not so bad compared to the days leading up to the program.  Yesterday (Friday, day 4) I continued a yearly tradition.  Scrapbook Expo with my scrappin' peeps.  SB Expo is a fabulous smorgasbord of SB products, demonstrations, make-n-takes, and girlfriend bonding time.  Several years ago we grew tired of spending a fortune for a piddly little lunch, and started brown-bagging it.  So it wasn't difficult for me to pack my protein bars and a few little 100-calorie snack bags for the trip.  I thought I would be strong enough to forego the Dariy Queen breakfast biscuit on the way up, but alas, I succumbed to the temptation and did eat a tenderloin biscuit.  I am quite certain that I did enough walking and weight training (translated... hauling my loot around all day) to help with some of those nasty calories.  My brown-bag lunch protein bar was delightfully satisfying. A salad for dinner, plus one more 100-calorie pack rounded out the day.  Not the best day, but it certainly could have been worse.  I declined an invitation for pizza with friends for dinner.  That was pretty huge. 

My hospital has an excellent Wellness Center, and after my surgery, I signed up for membership.  Knowing that (post lap band surgery) rapid weight loss would leave me with lots of loose skin, I wanted to try weight training to hopefully minimize that as much as possible.  Once I lost my band, I kind of lost my oomph about the whole process, and simply stopped going.  The hubs and I talked about going together, but our schedules aren't really conducive to making that a likely occurrence.  This week I notified the coordinator, and have canceled the membership.  As noted in a previous post, we're going to put a couple of pieces of gym equipment in the dining room, and yesterday he picked up our first piece:  a multifunctional bench.  We looked at several, and decided on the one with the adjustable back.  I tried doing a sit-up from a totally-reclined position.  It wasn't pretty.  I failed miserably.  With the back support raised to even a 45 degree angle, I was able to do a few.  So that will be my starting point.  The box shows several routines using different back-positions and weights, so my next purchase will be a few weights.  Pink ones, of course.  We also looked at another multi-function piece with lots of cables and pulleys and complicated-looking things, and had planned to purchase that as well.  When the hubs went to pick it up, in just a week since we had looked at it, the floor model was broken, so we're thinking this piece might not be such a good value.  So this week, instead of the bigger piece of gym equipment, we're getting a gas grill.  We've been using charcoal, and like the taste of food cooked over charcoal, but there's just no flexibility or control.  We are serious about our eating choices, and the gas grill will enable us to "cook out" more often.  I'm excited!!! 

We're not giving up on the gym equipment, but may turn our thinking more to an elliptical machine rather than the multi-functional weight machine.  At any rate, we are moving right along, getting ready to enter week 2 of P365. 

How is everyone else doing?

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Day 2

I'm going to try to at least post a Progress Note (can you tell my profession?) each day, even when there's no time to write more.  Day 1, yesterday, was hugely successful.  I weighed in yesterday morning for the official start weight.  Finally found my evil measuring tape last night and took all my measurements.  I found the post from 14 months ago where I had measured myself right before surgery, so I'm using those measurements as my starting point.  Because it's a journey that began in May of last year.  Besides, it helps me feel a little less defeated when I see that even though I have gained 30 lbs since my band removal, my measurements (from 21 different places on my body) are still anywhere from 1.25" to 2" smaller than they were in May of last year.  Yay!  That's something!!  I ate well within the range of my expectations, at only 1010 calories for the day.  That included eating dinner at Picadilly, where I enjoyed a small chopped steak, green beans, and broccoli.  Dottie's website calculates my dinner at around 650 calories, and the protein bars I had for breakfast and lunch totaled 360 calories. Only a tiny bit of walking at the mall yesterday, but it was pretty much a nonstop day otherwise.

Those evil hunger monsters will use any old excuse to try to attack me.  I got really upset about the Casey Anthony verdict... and while I felt like I wanted to vomit, I could hear the monsters whispering in my ear to comfort myself with food.  I felt like gnawing the arms off my chair.  Victory over temptation was mine, though, and I made it through Day 1 unscathed. 

Steve had a great day too, and probably sweated off more pounds than I will lose all week.  Man, it's hot outside!!!  Tonight I'm chasing him down with the evil tape measure to get baseline measurements for his chart. 

Both our goals are to lose 30 lb before we go back to the beach in October.  If he loses it (which I know the dirty dog will... he loses so quickly!) then I have agreed to renting a catamaran with him as captain, and going out into the ocean.  All the while, trying to get that Gilligan's Island theme song out of my head...

If I do it (which I know I can..) he said he would go parasailing with me.  I might chicken out my ownself on that one.  Not so much from being up in the air, but from having to be in the ocean on take-off and landing.  I'm not much for sea creatures.  bleh.  But it is a huge thing that he said he would do it with me.  :-)  That's my man!!  (But I'll probably think of another way to reward myself.)

So far Day 2 has gone well.  Keeping the hunger monster at bay, eating according to plan.  But I know he is hiding in the closet threatening to come out before bedtime. Bastard.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

P365

Blogging on the run today.  Just want to make it "official" by stating that my wonderful husband approached me just prior to vacation stating that he is ready to commit to healthy living.  YAY!! 

Since having my band removed, I have gained 30 of the 50 lbs that I lost.  The one-year anniversary of my band removal is July 7th.  30 lbs in one year.  Wow.  I have made half-hearted attempts at losing the weight, but lacked the committment to see it through.  While I can't blame my lack of success on The Hubs, it has been really difficult since we began dating.  He is a construction worker.  A real manly man.  He needs lots of fuel to keep up that kind of work.  Not as much as he was consuming, mind you, but he does need more calories than me.  He is approximately 90 lbs overweight, (same as me) and now readily admits that he is addicted to food.  It was difficult for me to make good choices, because he is pretty much the cook at our house.  Most every evening he cooks up a delightful meal (traditional southern style, i.e. frying foods, lots of starchy stuff... the kind of foods that make my mouth water and sends my willpower out the back door).  We have sat around the dinner table for months now, talking about how we know that we need to do this.  But there was never any real committment.  Imagine my surprise and DELIGHT when he approached me and proclaimed his committment.  No, it's not fair to pin my lack of success on him, but as any of you know, it is way, WAY better to have the support of the people who sit with you around the dinner table.  Hubs lost a brother in his 40s to sudden cardiac death.  His mother is diabetic.  Two sisters are overweight.  (Kudos to Jenny, who is working the WW program and has lost around 50 lbs!!!)

Hubs is currently taking medication for diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol.  Even if he doesn't succumb to a premature obesity-related death, the road to his future is paved with a dialysis machine, at the very least.  I also have diabetes (of which I continue my head-in-the-sand denial).  My family history includes heart disease, diabetes, and cancer.  The two of us are an insurance company's nightmare. 

We have three children and seven grandchildren between us, who are the lights of our lives.  There is so much to live for.  And we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if we continue to ignore the signals our bodies are sending us, that we will not live long, and the quality of our lives will be dictated by the results of our poor eating habits and lack of exercise. 

Yesterday, while I was working, he took the pup out for a walk to get jump started on the activity thing.  It is so incredibly hot where we live.  The poor pooch got terribly overheated and collapsed, and Hubs had to carry him home.  It was really scary, and I was Googling "canine heat stroke" (which is NOT pretty!).  Thankfully the pup recovered quickly. (He's really not a pup, but rather an aging Cairn terrier... I just call him "pup".) I work indoors and am not conditioned at all to the heat.  Hubs works outside, and is more conditioned to it, but the summer days in Georgia are brutal, and even someone accustomed to working outdoors can get overheated in a hurry.  As a result, we're going to purchase a couple of (small) peices of gym equipment for indoor use. When we got married and I moved here, I left my treadmill at my other home, so I'm going to bring it over here as well.  Hopefully by the end of the hottest part of summer, our numbers will be down, and our bodies will be better able to tolerate power walking outside. 

I have another private blog, called Journey To Forever, in which I have written about our chance reconnection after 40 years, the beginning of our love story, and a few special memories.  Today, our Forever looks a lot brighter.  The Journey will be challenging during P365, but a longer and healthier Forever will be worth every minute of it. 

Today begins a new leg of our Journey. We just returned from our vacation (belated honeymoon), during which we talked a lot about P365, and set our goals. This morning we charted our Start Weight. Tonight we will take measurements (horrors!!) and compare notes on our first day. We have drawn the line in the sand, and hammered the stake into the ground. This is it. We have no choice. The very best part, though, is that we are excited about it, and we have a plan. And we are doing it together. This morning before leaving for work, Hubs looked at me and said: "We are doing this. I am doing this for my health, for my mother, for my children, for my grandchildren, and for you."

Let the journey begin!!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Little Black Coat

While much of the U.S. is suffering blizzard conditions, our thoughts turn toward keeping warm.  Though many of you would trade weather-places with me in a heartbeat, it's still a windy, chilly 43 degrees here at The 409.  I just walked to the mailbox in my jammies, and it was quite nippy.

I hate to wear coats.  For 25 years I have had the same tweed, just-below-the-hips, double-breasted coat that my former husband gave me.  The style has come in and out of fashion a few times, but I still wore it.  It's still in great condition too, save for the layer of dust on the heavily-padded shoulders.  It has hung in my laundry room since I moved here 5 1/2 years ago.  I've had a few light jackets along the way, but for the most part, if I'm just darting about town, I choose to just suffer the few minutes of cold, rather than have to fuss with taking off and keeping up with a coat while I'm doing whatever it was that took me out of my warm house to start with.

This past fall, though, I got a wild hair and decided that I Needed A New Coat.  I shopped around until I finally found one that I liked very much, and I got it on sale at an unbelievable price! It is nice enough to wear over dress clothes, but not too nice to wear every day.  I also found a sweat-shirt fabric, wonderfully-lined with the softest lining ever jacket at Old Navy, also at a great price.  This is my go-to jacket when dashing out the door on those sub-zero-degree (Georgia.. haha) days.  I've never even taken the tags off of the other coat.  I considered taking it back, but when I remember what a good buy I got on it, I just can't seem to make myself return it.  What with all this cold weather (as a result of global warming HA!) who knows when I might actually decide to wear it.  Surely as soon as I return it, I'll be wishing I had it.  So, the New Coat will continue to hang in my closet, taking up space, until such time as I need it.

When my daughter was in high school, she found a beautiful black leather jacket that she couldn't possibly live without.  She traded me all of the gift-cards that she received the previous Christmas, in exchange for my buying the Little Black Coat for her.  I loved it, and wanted one too, but couldn't afford to buy two.  She needed an XL and I needed a 3X.  She came home with a Little Black Coat... but I did not.  Her coat was so tight on me that if I tried to stick my arms in the sleeves, I couldn't move them.  So I just continued wearing my tattered old tweed coat, when I absolutely HAD to wear one.

I think she may have worn The Little Black Coat three, maybe four times.  Grrr.  Teenagers are fickle like that, aren't they?  Over the years, I have come across TLBC hanging in her closet, my closet, and most recently the grandbaby's closet.  My daughter has "grown", and it no longer fits her.

Guess who has The Little Black Coat now?  If you guessed me, you're absolutely right.  My arms/shoulders will move about freely inside the sleeves now, and I could even reach out my arms and give you a hug, should you happen to need/want one.

The zipper is still a little problematic.  The left side of the zipper lacks about 2" from being able to reach the right side of the zipper.  But, hey... that is PROGRESS!!  When I bought TLBC, the zippers were probably 10-12" apart.  I've come a long way, baby!

TLBC is hanging in a very prominent position in my room (ummm... on the handle of my much-neglected treadmill...) as a reminder to get back on course, stay the course, and make that zipper zip!  It may be springtime, or long after coat-weather is behind us before I can make that sucker zip, but zip it I will!  And then I will be the proud owner of my very own personal Little Black Coat. Yay!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Formerly Fluffy

It is true.  Having a boyfriend takes a lot of time.  Not that I had such an excess of time to begin with.  My biggest problem is that there is not ENOUGH time to spend with him!!  :-)  It is also true, for me at least, that being happy is an open invitation to the Hunger Monster to ride my back 24/7.  And it is also true, for me at least, that because I'm so happy, I tend to give in to the things that bring me pleasure.  One thing most of us share is this.. Food Brings Us Pleasure.  So, here I am, 10-12 lbs heavier than I was on the day of band removal.  And I'm watching the days whiz by at an alarming rate, knowing that May 1 is my goal date for buying a dress.  Oh, if I forgot to mention it on this blog, I'm getting married!!!  I'm not doing the long, white, flowing, wedding gown thing, but I do want a special dress for the special day.  I'm beating myself up pretty bad knowing that if I had stayed on course, I would be at goal right now, and could walk into the formal section of my favorite department store, and probably find a dress on the rack marked down 80%.  But no.  I have limited my choices by not being able to really shop until May, when HOPEFULLY I'll be down 30 lbs.

I have totally neglected this blog, and in doing so, have also neglected reading about my favorite weight-loss-blogging-friends.  The "loss" (no pun intended) has definitely been mine.  I used to find such encouragement by reading your blogs (a few of my favorites are linked on the sidebar).  Your blogs to me are what a can of spinach is to Popeye.  My strength.  And this day I am vowing to come here often, and Feel The Power that reading your blogs give.  And I do hope that soon I will again be posting success stories of my own.

A friend of mine has created a resource website for people considering WLS.  It's called Formerly Fluffy.  For the two weeks leading up to V Day, she is doing a series on love stories and WLS.  She invited me to write a guest post, and mine went up today.  If you're interested, you can read it here.

I'm coming back.  And I'm bringing that &%*$ Hunger Monster with me.  I'm going to take your blog posts and beat the crap out of him.

Thank you, Lanie, for not giving up on me!!!