Monday, November 7, 2011

Two More

I close my eyes for just a second... and two months whiz by with lightning speed.  Another two months have passed, and nothing has changed.  Nothing, that is, except my frustration level is a bit higher than it was two months ago at my last post.  While shopping the other night, my sweet husband bought me a gorgeous pair of boots.  I had wanted some for a while.  I love the look of skinny girls with their jeans tucked into their knee-high boots.  I hadn't committed to buying any for myself, though, because I'm so short and dumpy, I know that I'll probably just look like a Weeble.  At any rate, my sweetheart had me trying on boots at Belk, and we found a pair that we both loved, (and they were 40% off!!!), so I brought them home.  I fully intended to wear them to church on Sunday, but only have one dress that I could get away with wearing brown.  Most everything I own is black.  I was doubtful that the dress would fit, since my mom bought it for me 30 lbs ago, at my lowest weight after the lap-band surgery.  Oh. My. Goodness.  I donned the obligatory suck-me-up panties, the pantyhose, the half slip, and slid the dress over my head.  I got my arms through, and it sort of got stuck on my chest.  I wiggled and squirmed, trying to pull it on down.  The dress has a jacket, so I was hoping that the jacket would be able to cover a multitude of lumps and bumps.  However, I only got the hem of the dress below my butt cheeks... and I got stuck.  Couldn't go down, couldn't go up.  I was mortified.  My husband was out of town for the day.  My stepson and his children were visiting, but I was too ashamed to ask for help.  So I put the wiggle in reverse, and somehow got the dress back over my head.  And felt pretty discouraged.  Not only was I irritated at myself, I didn't get to wear my new boots.  ....sigh....  

I keep hoping against hope that something will happen to wake me up.  I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon with a gastroenterologist to schedule a colonoscopy.  My grandmother had colon cancer, and I have some issues that need to be checked.  I need a wake up call, but I'm sure praying this isn't going to be it....  

If I had the time and the money, I think I would benefit more from a psychologist or a shrink than a dietitian or a gym membership.  It is all in my head.  Always has been.  On the way home from the mall, we stopped at the Krispy Kreme to get donuts for the grandchildren.  My husband asked me if I remembered the time that I was on a healthy eating kick and I rode for 30 minutes with a box of hot KK donuts on my lap and never touched a one.  He said "I don't know how you did it!"  I did it because I was mentally prepared, and had my mind made up that eating healthy was more important than indulging in my in-the-moment desire to eat hot donuts.  Where does that go?  How do I lose it?  

I don't blog here often because I have nothing positive to say.  I find myself gravitating to the blogs of people who are successful, rather than ones who whine all the time and never seem to get their act together and actually work the program.  So rather than be one of those whiners, I just don't blog at all.  Sad.  And more often than not, I don't even take the time to read the blogs that do inspire me.  Fail.