Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Really? Three Years?

Seriously?  Three years since my last post here?  I had no idea it had been that long.  As something of a joke, I applied to be a contestant on Extreme Weight Loss.  The application asks for a link to a web page.  So I followed the bread crumbs and found my way back here, in order to post the link.  In some ways, it's hard to believe three years have passed.  In other ways, so much has changed that it scarcely seems possible it all happened in only three years.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a toad in tin foil.  A short six months after my last entry, I moved back into my home alone, and began the journey all over again as a single woman.  The marriage was short-lived, a mere 16 months, but because of the intense love and devotion I felt, the ending was a blow from which I feared I might not recover.  What a horrible experience.  I have come away with my heart shredded, my emotions tattered, and my confidence gone.

Some people manifest their grief, stress, unhappiness, etc., by not eating.  Other people drown their sorrows in comfort food.  I belong to the latter.  I've probably put on 20 pounds in the 2 1/2 years since the separation/divorce.  I'm still below my highest weight at the time of surgery, and  I've lost a few pounds here and there, but nothing significant.

And you know what sucks?  My Prince was overweight as well, with uncontrolled diabetes.  We tried exercising and eating healthy when we were together.  We always fell back into our old habits, and never lost more than a few pounds at a time. Well, guess what?  Since he dumped me, he also dumped almost 100 pounds. How is THAT even possibly fair???

Though I think it has been lurking just beyond the horizon for years, depression has gripped me with its icy fingers, and while not severe,it has been a struggle at times to find the best medication to loosen the grip.  I have always been the eternal optimist.  Yeah, the whole Handsome Prince thing really sucked, and though I've traveled some rocky roads since then, I am still tremendously blessed. For such an optimistic, glass-half-full kind of girl, the feelings and emotions associated with depression have been confusing and frustrating.  Hard knocks or not, for one who is so blessed and optimistic, it just doesn't make sense to be depressed.

My grandchildren continue to be the delights of my life.  I see them each week day after school, and we have weekend sleepovers once or twice a month.  Watching them grow and change, seeing their minds expand with knowledge and curiosity, is something that I hope to enjoy for many years to come.

I love my daughter.  She is my heartbeat.  And I love watching her in the role of mother to my grandkids. I can't imagine my life without any of them.  Nor can I imagine their lives without me.

This.  This is my motivation.